Read “Buyers, Renters, and Belonging” in Irreantum 18.2 – Building Zion.
Writing this essay was like writing a eulogy. A eulogy for all the groups of women who made my years as a young mother survivable. The steady presence of these two groups of women was the thing that got me through all the experiences of parenthood that make you think you’re losing your mind. Those groups no longer exist, though I occasionally still talk to some of the women who were part of them.
It’s also a eulogy for the suburban wards of the Pacific Northwest. You can see the slow decline of the wards in the area by looking at a ward map. Our ward had two church buildings inside its boundaries, buildings that used to house several wards each but have been hollowed out by the area’s financial success. It’s nearly impossible to find an affordable house in the area that can accommodate a typical Mormon-size family, and so the ward is filled with young renters and older couples who bought in before Microsoft happened.
This essay is also a very vulnerable one to me. The turn in the essay where I realize exactly how privileged and well-off we were is still something I am coming to terms with over and over in my everyday life. Talking about money and success is very taboo. There are different problems that come with financial success, and it’s hard to talk about them with anyone without coming across as bragging. There’s also the guilt of having money in a religion where we promise to consecrate all that we have. I often agonize over if we are giving enough to thank the Lord for his blessings.
I should note that though the ending to this essay is pretty bleak, we were actually quite happy to move to Utah. I grew up around my extended family and had wanted that for my kids for a long time. The pandemic provided the ability for us to be untethered from the Pacific Northwest. Still, the move was bittersweet like a breakup from a long-dysfunctional relationship. We already knew that it was over, but leaving made it feel so final. It meant admitting defeat in creating a community, one that we had covenanted to build. I felt bad for abandoning our ward in the state it was in, with so many in need of help and so many having to leave. In fact, in the months after we moved, several more of our remaining friends in the ward have left the area.
